


sometime i wish we'd never met

by The_Bisexual_From_Hell



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, In which Meredith reflects on Lexie after the plane crash, Meredith misses her baby sister, Sad Meredith Grey, The world needs more Meredith and Lexie so here I am, merder and slexie are in background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:01:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Bisexual_From_Hell/pseuds/The_Bisexual_From_Hell
Summary: Meredith Grey never wanted to be a big sister. Sure she had thought as a kid that maybe if her parents had stayed together, she would have gotten a sibling. But those were not ideas Meredith Grey was allowed to have, so she stopped, any and all thoughts of a sibling were forgotten.Until Lexie Grey.OrMeredith thinks about Lexie after the plane crash.
Relationships: Lexie Grey & Meredith Grey, Lexie Grey/Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Comments: 5
Kudos: 83





	sometime i wish we'd never met

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is sad, but I needed to write it and the world needs more Meredith and Lexie. I apologize for any mistakes, English isn't my first language and this doesn't have a beta. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Meredith Grey never wanted to be a big sister. Sure she had thought as a kid that maybe if her parents had stayed together, she would have gotten a sibling. But those were not ideas Meredith Grey was allowed to have, so she stopped, any and all thoughts of a sibling were forgotten.

Until Lexie Grey. 

Lexie had crashed into her life like an avalanche and nothing would ever be the same again. 

Her kid sister—that’s what Lexie was, no doubt about it—had torn down all the impossibly high walls Meredith had built like it was nothing. 

_ But I still love you whether you are capable of letting me or not. So, I forgive you. _

It’s not like Meredith was alone before Lexie, she had Derek — no matter how broken their relationship was, she had Derek —she had Alex, George, Izzie and she had Cristina, her person. 

But Lexie was different. 

Lexie was like a breath of fresh air. Lexie who was shiny and happy and hopeful. Lexie who had always stood by Meredith even when she didn’t deserve it. 

Lexipedia, her brilliant sister with photographic memory and whip-smart. 

Little Grey, who was on her way to become an exceptional neurosurgeon. She would have been better than Derek, they all knew it. 

Zola’s favorite Aunt, the one who held her as a baby and babysat her when Meredith and Derek needed a break. Aunt Lexie who loved Zola so much it hurt. 

Lexie whose heart was so big Meredith wondered how she lived it. Once Meredith had told Lexie that her heart lived in her vagina, but everyone knew that was a lie, Lexie Grey’s heart had found a home with Mark Sloan. Even with all their trials and tribulations, it had always been them, Mark and Lexie were meant to be.

And so Meredith Grey became a big sister. She wasn’t the best big sister, she could be stubborn or harsh, but she tried because she would do anything for Lexie. 

They weren’t sisters because they shared a father, they were sisters because they had fought for it. Thatcher wasn’t Meredith’s dad, she couldn’t even remember the name of Lexie’s sister. Holly or Molly, she thinks. 

When Thatcher had needed a liver and Meredith was the only match, she had given a part of her liver. But she had not done it for Thatcher, he could die for all Meredith cared, she had done it for Lexie. Because Meredith knew what it’s like to not have a father and Lexie didn’t deserve that. 

Meredith was practically an orphan, she wasn’t about to let Lexie go through the same thing. And so that liver that lived in their father was for her sister, it might as well just be in her. 

Lexie had taught Meredith how to have a family, how to love unconditionally. 

And then Lexie died. 

Lexie was dead and Meredith felt a void bigger than any other. 

Meredith was missing a part of her heart, a part of her soul. 

Meredith Grey was an only child again but she never wanted to stop being a big sister. 

How was she supposed to exist in a world without Lexie Grey? She didn’t know. 

She did it anyway, for Derek and for Zola, but all she craved was to lay down in the woods next to Lexie and let go. Maybe the cold would finally seep so deep into her bones that she would go to sleep and not wake up or maybe the wolves would eat her like they had eaten Lexie. 

Those fucking wolves, they had eaten her sister like she wasn’t one of the most precious things in the universe. 

Meredith Grey hated wolves now. They could go extinct for all she cared about. 

The plane crash never left her mind, it was like her own personal hell loop, playing over and over in her brain. 

_ She couldn't find Derek.  _

_ Cristina’s shoe was missing, her arm was dislocated. _

_ Arizona’s leg was broken.  _

_ Mark was okay or at least in shock.  _

_ Lexie was under the plane, Meredith can’t see below her torso, she is hurt, her little sister is bleeding but at least she is alive. And so Meredith makes a decision she will regret for the rest of her life, she leaves to go find Derek.  _

_ She comes back to a dead sister.  _

_ Meredith can’t remember how she ended up on the ground, sobbing. Mark isn’t crying, he just holds Lexie’s hand and looks just as dead as her.  _

_ “She wanted me to tell you that she loves you, that you were a good sister.” It comes out as a whisper as if it took all of Mark’s energy to say that. Meredith continues sobbing. _

_ Her chest feels tight, she can’t breathe, maybe that’s how Lexie felt.  _

_ Meredith knows Lexie was wrong, she was so wrong, if she were a good sister she wouldn’t have pushed her away when they first met, Lexie wouldn’t have thought she wasn’t invited to her wedding.  _

_ If Meredith were a good sister, she would have stayed, she would have held her dying sister’s hand, would have comforted her.  _

_ Now it’s too late and Meredith is alone. There are no What If’s  _

Meredith Grey had lost so many people, no one had hurt like Lexie. 

This was different, special just like her sister, a new level of pain and grief. Meredith had drowned before and it felt exactly like this, drowning constantly with no way to take a breath. In the years they had known each other, Lexie had become oxygen, Meredith needed her. 

If there was one thing Meredith Grey had learned throughout her life, it was to live without things people deemed necessary, she had lived without her father, she had practically lived without her mother, as a child she had no home. And so Meredith Grey would learn to live without her sister, even if getting through every day felt like a herculean task.

The carousel never stops turning.

Sometimes Meredith thought about what her life would be like if she had never met Lexie. If Lexie Grey had remained to be nothing but a name without a face in her life. The thought made Meredith want to cry, her life would be even more dark and twisty without Lexie. Maybe she and Derek wouldn’t have gotten married, or they wouldn’t have adopted Zola. 

But there would be no pain, no depression, no drowning in grief every waking second, there would just be emptiness.

And so every time she wished she had never met Lexie, the idea was shot down in seconds, even with all the pain, and the sorrow, and the heartbreak, Meredith Grey would have hated living in a world in which she never met Lexie. 

“Do you ever wish you could forget her, forget the pain?” Derek’s voice came out as a whisper, it was like he had read her mind. The pain in his voice was thick, he missed Lexie, he missed Mark. 

“No, this pain, it’s all I have left of her.” 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> That was fucking sad huh. 
> 
> Leave a comment or a Kudos. It would make me happier than anything.
> 
> Follow me on twitter for more grey's breakdowns @DXNYARYA


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